33

At record store, beautiful girl behind counter, a group of friends hanging around. Through the window we watch as a weird little man approaches the store. Someone recognizes him for being in love with the woman behind the counter, they are teasing her, and she gets mad. She makes fun of the man who is still outside, saying mockingly, "oohhh, i own a record store toooo, we should hang oouut". The man presses himself against the glass and stays there. She exhaustedly treks outside to confront the man. I'm watching everything intently because I like this girl. There is a heated exchange and she storms off down the street. I run outside as the man starts following her and I follow after them both. She turns into this courtyard where there are people lying in the grass against a fence. The man takes a seat at the opposite side of the court yard and looks on as she bends over to talk to one of the people on the ground and we can see up her skirt. I ask the man, very irritated and sarcastically, "enjoying the view?". He sarcastically replies, "oh yeah, it makes me so happy to see her with him." I look back and she is on the ground now in an embrace with a man who she was talking to. I walk over and crouch beside her. She is crying, he is comforting her. His hands seemingly have free range over her entire body, she asks him "why can't I be gay too?" She is in love with him but he can not love her. I'm watching as he moves his hand wherever he wants to. I touch her too but there is no reaction. I feel her breast and there is no reaction. She is so beautiful but I can't figure where I know her from.

31

In a class room full of young students. They are saying fucked up things and I keep asking "what did you just say?' and telling them not to talk like that. It saddens me to hear some of the things that these kids are saying. There's a little girl that particularly affects me. Teachers enter the room and I try to take them to task for letting children talk like this. I'm informed that this is a gifted and talented class room and these kids are special. Everybody is chastising me and I announce that I used to be special too. I feel upset and embarrassed.

30

With girl walking down street. We get to a steep hill and at the top of the hill I can see a figure waiting for me. I tell girl that she should not walk with me any further. I hide behind a column so that I won't be seen. I am scared. The figure at the top is Nic who I went to high school with and who used to be my friend and who i kind of resent. I don't remember walking up the hill but when I get to the top Nic begins to judge me. As if I'm trying to get into heaven or something. I try to ignore him and stare off into the distance of the valley below. I can't remember what was decided.

29

Girl wants to kiss me. Her face is really close to mine. She pulls away and we are on a bus. She grabs my hand and takes me towards the back. It is night and the only other people on the bus are men having sex with each other. It is alarming to me. We walk past a a threesome involving a fat man who is missing the top half of his head, two men are sucking him off and rubbing his belly. he is smiling. Even though the bus is moving, we step out a back door and into this alley where there are a lot of people having sex, men and women. Another girl greets us, an apparent friend, I think to myself, "huh, so I guess we're going to have group sex." My girl says that she "didn't know that this is what this was." She is mad at the friend and apologizes to me. The friend counts heads, 8 people including me and my girl but we turn around and walk back through the door which we came. The bus is empty now. We go back to the front and sit down. I tell her that I'd heard rumors about stuff like this. We are on our way home.

28

at the store to buy cigarettes. i lost my last pack. looking for a blue pack of cigarettes. I point at a pack and ask the cashier if those are them. He tells me that, yes, they are blue. but is the color important? what kind of cigarettes am I really looking for? I don't know.

27

Just woke up from this horrible dream where I kept passing out and and it felt wonderful, but it kept happening at inopportune times and i didn't want anyone to see it happen. And I'd be walking and i would feel it begin to happen then feel myself falling in slow motion, and blacking out, and waking up somewhere new, I woke up once on a hospital floor. and saw myself leaving covered in blood. Confusing, which was the real me? And I'd get up and walk again but staggeringly and people would look at me, some would ask what was wrong, and I would try to play it off like it was nothing but just pass out in their arms again. And the worst part was, in blacking out, I could tell I was in bed but I felt like I couldn't get up, like I couldn't move, like I was trapped in between dream and reality.

26

I'm at home with my mom and we are going to meet the rest of the family for dinner. She is sitting at a computer reading my dad's secret emails and the drawers either slide open or she opens them and there's all these sex toys inside. "He got these when he started messing around with her," she says. Boxes of dildos and role playing costumes like Elmer Fudd and Godzilla. I'm shocked. I close the drawers. I'm mad because the family is poor and I think about how much money it must have all cost. My mom is very nonchalant about it. She just says "Yeah," dazedly when I close the drawers. We leave and the restaurant is across the street. Its night time and it looks like Orlando or something, some big tourist trap. There's a guy in a dinosaur costume and I run up to him yelling, "Dad! Is that you?? Answer me!" The man speaks with a British accent and says "Sorry, I'm not your dad though your country and mine have been queeny since the 70's" I think it means that americans and english have sex with each other. I think of Freddie Mercury. At the restaurant I ask Parker how it has been going and I expect him to tell me something negative but he says that they're having a good time.